Processing

I’ve been so afraid of this keyboard. Avoiding it almost entirely for so long. It’s so bizarre when it used to be my refuge. It was how I self-reflected, processed, and moved forward. The powerful thing about the world wide web is that it connects us all in ways we’ve never had before in history. I can use my own words to express my every thought and post that somewhere out there to be read by family, friends, and strangers alike.  

The dangerous thing about the world wide web is that it has created this veil. While it has empowered in positive ways it’s also empowered in horrible ways. Anyone can read and comment and hide behind their keyboard. There is one person, in particular, that is adjacent to my life that I believe(d) would use any opportunity to take my words in my safe space [here] and find a way to use them against me or my husband.  

The fear in my head was so crippling it brought my great source of expression to a complete halt. I couldn’t overcome that fear enough to bring fingertips to keys anymore. I couldn’t look at that cursor. I saw its constant blinking as a form of mocking, no longer a form of therapy.  

Has my fear changed? Is that what’s brought me back to the keyboard?  

Honestly – no. I’m sure her or her friends will eventually find this again. I’m sure if I say something she doesn’t like she will absolutely send it to her favorite contact and try to create pain in my and my husband’s lives again. A quote that hits so deeply for me is that when people show you who they are – believe them. She doesn’t have to keep showing us, we know who she is.  

Yet, here I sit. Back in the comfort of an incredibly quiet early morning in my dark office with my favorite music playing and my fingers clacking away again.  

Why? The honest answer – because my desire to process again has finally won over my fear.  

The last 18 months have been the most traumatic months of my life and writing, and expressing it makes me feel better.  

Let’s recap super quick: 

• Found out we were having twins  
• 12 weeks into the pregnancy found out we had an incredibly rare pregnancy complication that [at that point] gave one of our twins a 10% chance at life 
• An incredibly scary pregnancy ending in 27 days hospitalized in high risk and 86/54 NICU days for our twins  
• Had 3 other kids to care about, love, and continue to develop all the while  
• My husband had to be a single father for 3 while I was stuck in a hospital 
• Moved into a new house (while I was in the hospital) 
• Renovated that entire house from tippy top to the very bottom and outside  
• I changed jobs at the beginning of these 18 months – moving out of the only thing I had ever known and moving into a totally new role [thank god for the incredible boss that believed in me the entire time and a company that allows for personal growth]  
• Changed jobs again (recently) filled with a whole host of new problems – also changed bosses for the first time in almost 4 years  
• Brought a baby home with oxygen and a feeding tube and 7003 doctor’s appointments  
• Entered a custody case for my stepdaughter to fight for what she wanted
  • That custody case and the drama leading up to it included my husband being accused of using our dying baby’s appointments as “excuses” to get out of counseling with his ex.  
  • In the same vein, an attempt was made to paint him as a horrible father because once you get divorced all of a sudden the law decides your shared kids matter more than anything else happening in your life including your job or another child of yours fighting for life.  
  • So, so, so, so much more here but we’ll save that for another day.  
• Almost lost that same twin 1 week before Christmas after surgery turned into pneumonia so bad his already weak lungs could barely take it  

ok – I’d call that a good enough highlight reel.  

While doing a shit ton of work on myself throughout all of this I finally decided to prioritize writing again because it makes me feel good. It helps me. That finally became reason enough to outweigh all the possible negatives.  

That list is my list. It’s not better or worse than anyone else’s list. It’s my shit. It just is. Please do not evaluate or compare what I have experienced as anything other than my reality. There is no more than or less than. It just is.  

I’m saying that more for me than anyone else. It’s so natural to compare or evaluate. It’s in our programming to look at another’s story and think about the connections or comparisons to our own. I am guilty of this constantly. So I truly said that as my own reminder. My story – your story. They just are.  

I will beg you not to tell me that my husband and I were given all of this because we can handle it and ‘we’re not given more than we can handle.’ I hate that phrase and I’m finally saying it out loud. We can all handle anything. We are all capable. We are all limitless, we just have to stop limiting ourselves. Saying that phrase is a justification, an excuse and a way out – a limitation. My husband and I handled everything we’ve been through recently because that’s just what you do. We knew/know no other way.  

We woke up and faced every day. Some days truly sucked. Some days didn’t. We faced them all anyways. Some days did damage while other days healed.  

We faced them all anyway. What other choice did we have?  

All the pain, all the fear, all the terror and trauma, all the difficulties and challenges. Everything. We have survived it all and are here. You’ve also survived everything you’ve faced. We’re not special here.  

Not all of those things on that list are bad, traumatic or negative. There are also a million amazing things that have happened. Why I felt obligated to balance it out I have no idea. Some sort of fear again. I realized at 19 my life was my choice. Entirely – everything, all of it, all the time. My choice. I dedicated myself to living at choice, dedicated myself to understanding and practicing personal responsibility and I became incredibly aware just how limitless I am. (All of this is true for all of us).  

I thought over the last 18 months that I had lost some or all of that. I blamed myself endlessly for what I was facing. I was ANGRY at the universe for the cards dealt. I couldn’t understand why I would choose this fate for my little boy or our family. Did I really choose, attract and create everything in my life?  

Those doubts and struggles also kept my fingers away from the keys. How the hell could I continue to write about being limitless by choice when so much of me was being a victim to my circumstances? There’s a shit ton to unpack there that I may or may not write about but thanks to a few recent personal breakthroughs I have come to realize something.  

What I know for a fact now, more than I have ever known it before –  

I am Limitless and life is too short to constantly live in fear and obligation.  

I have to admit it feels so freaking good to be back at this keyboard. 

The sound of the keys clicking.  

The quiet calm before 3 tiny humans all wake and chaos ensues again. 

The time to just listen to my own thoughts. 

It feels powerful again. It feels good.  

I feel powerful again. I feel good.  

I highly encourage that we all do something today simply because it makes us feel powerful and good.