And then it all changed…

It’s been months, six to be exact, since I sat down and wanted/needed to write. More has changed in those six months than any other six months of my life.

I became a mommy.  (HOLY SHIT – I am responsible for the growth and development of another human being!)

When I was first introduced to my now husband, I can remember very early on having a conversation about our relationship and the very undeniable fact that he has two children from a previous relationship.

Our conversation centered around what we were doing and based on our feelings what that meant about meeting his kids and being involved with not just him but all three of them. Even then we talked about my desire to have my own children and his willingness to have more.

I remember sitting on the couch in the hotel room (it was my temporary residence at the time) and telling him all these beliefs I had about step parenting and parenting. I hadn’t even met his kids yet or truly contemplated what it meant to be a parent to my own. God – did I know NOTHING.

In the years to follow reality of the complexity that is parenting, and step-parenting smacked me in the face like head on car crash. There are some concepts that aren’t possible to take past theoretical until you are in the middle of it. The ups and downs that we experienced and the lessons both my husband and I learned could fill an entire book. (Something I’m contemplating writing one day).

Through it all we maintained we wanted a child together. One of my last blogs captured the moment I found out that our dream had come true. The entire time I was pregnant people left and right told me that everything was about to change. Sometimes they eluded to the straight forward changes (never having privacy again, the loss of spontaneity, the lack of sleep, etc.). Others focused more on the profound mental changes that were about to happen.

The black and white was easy to grasp and prepare for. The rest was hard to even understand. How could that much change that fast? Even up to the last night of my pregnancy I still had no idea what to expect.

If I’m completely honest even in the moments in the labor and delivery room when my body was getting ready, I still didn’t have any idea what was about to happen (physically or mentally).

I know there are moms out there that talk about the moment the doctor lays the baby on your chest and instantly their entire world alters. They even describe it with orbs of light and magic that encircle them and their baby. In my moment, when I looked down at this little blue and purple alien I was consumed by complete shock. Tears came as a mixture of relief (labor really F***king sucks) and of all other emotions in one.

I couldn’t believe it – life had changed more in a single moment than in my entire life combined and it was so overwhelming that I wasn’t capable of comprehending it. Of course I loved this little guy instantly but it took a few days for my brain to really register what had happened and what this little chunk meant to the rest of my life.

At 4 weeks old now there are moments where it still hasn’t fully sunk in that I am someone’s mommy. It’s hard to think that because of the love I share with my husband we choose to create another life and that life will go on to love, to live, to make a difference to the world somehow. He will hold a mirror up to my husband and I and challenge all the things we struggle with ourselves while in the next moment reminding us of all the things that are good in the world.

When you think about it having a newborn is one of life’s greatest oxymorons. On paper the job kind of sucks. You are held hostage day and night to the whims of a being that can’t express himself and only poops, sleeps and cries. It doesn’t show love back (yet) and is 100% dependent on you. In reality though none of that matters the moment you look in his eyes. When he sleeps on your chest and you an feel his heart beat with yours all the poopy diapers and late night screams fade into a distant memory.

What people don’t say when you are about to welcome a baby is that yes – your entire world changes – but that change doesn’t always happen immediately. It grows, it evolves, and it continues to challenge you every day forward.

The first week brought a whole new view of my husband, it took the love I already had for him and exploded it. Watching my step-children with their new little brother altered in every way my love for them as well. I had no idea that I still felt like an add-on to their life (a really involved and awesome aunt) instead of feeling like a full-fledged family. That all changed the moment I saw them look at Leo. We were cemented as a family forever, i felt connected on a new level.

In the following weeks some weird shit started changing. I started to re-think how I’d approached my job. I thought about the progression of my career, the wins and the failures. I started obsessing, forcing myself to challenge everything I thought up to this point. I wanted to dig as deep as possible and really look into the mirror.

I realized for me to be the best mom possible I have to be fulfilled and stimulated. I have three months “off” and I quickly realized that not only should this time be spent bonding with my sweet new son, but it needs to be spent getting my mind in the healthiest place possible.

Every mom handles things differently and I will never say that one way is right or wrong. All I can do is what I believe is best for my son and for me and our family. That may look different than how others have approached it. It may mean that instead of napping while he naps, I write a blog or brainstorm a new approach to developing other people. Maybe it means reading a new book or white-boarding the idea of eliminating the labels of “Scrum” or even “Agile”.

Whatever it means I know that I want to start capturing this journey again in my blogs.

No.- this is not morphing to a parenting blog. It is and always will be about leadership and living life at choice. It will have aspects about parenting and being a new mom cause well that’s what I’m going through in my life.

What I know is that when I find something or experience something that leads to profound change, I hold on to it with the intention of never letting it go. This is the third experience in my life that has profoundly changed me (previous wake up moments are captured in other blogs). Time to see where it takes me!

 

 

 

Ps. – Introducing Leo Franklin Smith

Healthy, happy and the light of his parents life!