Unapologetically YOU

The one thing the world will never run out of is opinions. These opinions can influence and alter the opinions we are still forming. The opinions we are still forming can alter our beliefs.   

Maslow has always maintained that one of the 5 basic needs of all humans is belongingness. So it’s no surprise that we will often alter our true self in order to “fit in” and belong somewhere.

We morph ourselves to situations or people. We change our interests or hobbies to get or maintain the interest of a significant other. We make choices because we feel like that’s what the group would do or what is socially acceptable.

I’ve been in all of those positions. We all have in one way or another altered who we truly are to be better accepted or liked. We allow influence over us in exchange for acceptance, inclusion and/or affection.

I have always been described as a “strong-willed” individual. I’m sure some have used a more colorful way of describing that trait. I rarely struggle knowing what I want or how to get it. Yet, there have been many occasions over the years where I too changed myself for one of the basic human social needs. Ask my mom about my high school boyfriend, Kyle, and she’ll tell you a tale of 4 years of slowly giving up who I was more and more to keep him happy.

Looking back now as I write this with a husband and a family I adore it’s easier to see that it wasn’t “for Kyle” that I made those changes. I used to believe that I did it for him because its was easier to justify. In reality it was for me. I got what I believed at the time was something I wanted (his affection) so I was willing to make those changes in return.

I have encountered many times where I had convinced myself it was “for them.” Its important to always remember that these changes we allow in ourselves is 100% for us. We want to be accepted, loved, included. We are not actually doing it to “make someone happy.” Unless that someone is you.

Where I stand today I know I can be loved and receive affection exactly as I am. It’s the thing I believe makes my relationship with my husband, and for that matter my closest friends, so strong – it’s built on authentic and unapologetic truth.

Here is who I am. All of me. Exactly as I want to be in this moment.

Does being unapologetically you mean everyone is going to accept you, love you and all your traits, or agree with you?

Hell no.

But it does mean that those that do – will require no masks, no costumes, no alterations. Just you.

Becoming a step-mom and now a mommy has been an opportunity for my self acceptance to be challenged. Everyone and do I mean everyone has an opinion about parenting. It’s extremely easy to get lost in the ocean of “do this” or “do that”.

Becoming unapologetically me – or should I say getting completely comfortable with who I am hasn’t been the easiest journey.

1. Heartbreak helped – that high school boyfriend I mentioned above eventually left no matter how much I changed me. In his wake I was left in a state where luckily I could see how much I had changed and was able to choose differently.
2. Obsessive vow to never change myself for another’s affection again. (This resulted in taking it a little too far sometimes and being not so nice to a few lovely guys along the way)
3. Career focus – I had more control in this area which immediately made me gravitate here. I shifted all focus to my career.
4. Career wins – Without having to change who I am I began to see success. It became addicting and began to teach me that I don’t have to change.
5. Career fails – A lovely journey of ups and down began to teach me how to embrace who I am in effective ways. This was a critical lesson because on the surface it originally felt like in the corporate world I would also have to change who I am. (It was scarily easy to forget the wins)
6. Ownership – I began to own who I am. When someone would try to tell me who I was as a negative I would own it first with the knowledge that it wasn’t everyones cup of tea.

To be clear this journey hasn’t been easy or always fun. It has taken lots of self-awareness, self-exploration and still to this day I have experiences where I am tempted to change who I am to better “fit”.

When I began to explore what it means to be “Limitless” I came to the conclusion that I can be Limitless, I can choose to change and evolve BUT that choice is based in the understanding that the change is for me.

The difference in this thought process is that I choose to change because I believe that by changing I will achieve a new outcome and I want that outcome. It’s a conscious choice and therefore not based in insecurities or the desire please someone else.

It’s selfish.

It’s for me.

I change because I choose to change. I choose to change because I believe the change will result in a new outcome. The new outcome is one that I want.

I have changed and changed some more. I continue to grow and evolve and all the while I’m still unapologetically me.

 

 

***Exercise***

I don’t normally put these in my blogs but as a part of the “Limitless by Choice” program I run there is an exercise called “I AM”. In this exercise the goal is to help individuals get comfortable with who they are.

It’s simple…

On a blank sheet of paper or your phone (or computer) write “I am” statements. The key is to capture the good, the bad, the positive, the less than positive and everything in between.

Examples: (these are mine)

I am obsessive

I am loud

I am driven

I am passionate

I am loyal

I am in love with cursing

I am full of high expectations

 

Keep building out your list until you’re done. Look at it, review it, embrace it. I’ll talk more in the next blog about what happens when you embrace it fully.